alex-jones

Recently the Hillary Clinton campaign, once again proving that they have no idea how the Internet works, produced a Trump attack ad that was basically one big Alex Jones dis. No doubt the Alex Jones Infowars website is experiencing a surge of new visitors as a result.

If you’ve never heard of Alex Jones or Infowars or Prison Planet (which is hard to believe at this point), you are in for a real treat. Alex Jones is probably one of the funniest people on the Internet. I’ve seen the Hillary ad about a dozen times at this point, and I still can’t make it all the way through without laughing. I’m honestly still not sure if the Alex Jones character is an elaborate joke or not. Certainly, he reports on quite a bit of real news, and has some good people working for him. He also reports a lot of outlandish stuff, and the the way he sensationalizes everything makes him seem like a caricature. There is a conspiracy theory that Alex Jones is actually comedian Bill Hicks, who some believe faked his death. I might not discount the theory, if Alex wasn’t about a foot shorter than Bill was.

Alex Jones used to identify as a libertarian (I believe he now claims to be a paleo-conservative), and rustled the jimmies of people like Austin Petersen, who didn’t want libertarians associated with fringe conspiracy theories. I personally don’t have a problem with that aspect of Jones’ shtick. Libertarians don’t accept the word of the State as gospel, and naturally any questioning of the official narrative can be considered conspiracy theory. As George Carlin famously said, “I have certain rules I live by. My first rule I don’t believe anything the government tells me, and I don’t take very seriously the media, or the press, in this country.”

I may not take Alex Jones very seriously either, but going down the Infowars rabbit hole can be great fun. I recommend going on this journey accompanied by your favorite adult beverage. After exhaustive research, I have developed the following drinking game. The rules change at times, and I encourage you to make adjustments as needed. I recommend playing with beer or a relatively weak mixed drink, as you will likely get very drunk.

1. Drink every time Alex interrupts somebody.

Alex frequently interrupts his guests, and the other hosts and reporters on his show. He does this so frequently, that it is sometimes hard for the person he is interviewing to get a full sentence out. Every so often this elicits a hint of frustration from his guest, but most of the regulars play along. Usually they say “exactly” in response to Alex, which I take to be code for “shut the hell up and let me talk”.

2. Any kind of weird voice or screaming from Alex.

Alex employs a number of bizarre vocal impressions when mocking politicians and political operatives. Some of them might be described as “demonic”, or reminiscent of Big Brother from Orwell’s 1984. Best of all is when he goes full agro, screams into the microphone, and throws his papers around. Usually he yells something like “SICK OF IT!” and shouts a lot about the New World Order and globalism. These melt downs are the best part of The Alex Jones Show. They are the whole reason most of us tune in, kind of like the crashes in NASCAR.

3. “I’m going to stop right there”

Alex often references behind the scenes official sources, such as Secret Service, FBI agents, police officers, or people involved in the Trump campaign. Often times he will use the phrase “I’m going to stop right there” as an indicator that he knows more than he is saying, but has to be careful not to incriminate the people providing him information. He also uses this phrase to steer the conversation back to a main point, as he often goes off on wild tangents. I can see why he likes Trump so much.

4. “I’m going to skip this break, THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT!”

Recently Alex has started skipping a LOT of network breaks, but there are a lot of breaks to skip. His show is syndicated terrestrially, and network breaks are needed for time to air commercials. I suspect that this is a tactic meant to steer traffic to his website. Of course, it may be that Alex Jones is entirely sincere. He also has his own commercials, which are one of the best parts of the show.

5. “Buy our products”/”Fund the operation”

The Infowars business plan is to spend a few minutes building up fear, then sell some snake oil. Jones sells “nutraceuticals” through his website, and encourages you to sign on to his multilevel marketing scheme to sell them too. I honestly have no idea if these products are any good (with the exception of the “Hillary For Prison” T-shirts, which are obviously great). Who knows? Maybe they are. The commercials are great, however, and Jones also shamelessly plugs them throughout the show. They have great names like “Brain Force” and “Super Male Vitality”. Jones also insists on referring to the show as an “operation”, which is hilarious.

There are other aspects of the show that could equally be included in this list. I try to limit my drinking games to things that I will be able to remember once I’m getting drunk. I still can’t decide if Alex is for real or not, but I love his show. I love that Hillary Clinton talks about him and Pepe in the same speech. I love that Roger Stone is a frequent guest. I love that Cenk Uygur of the Young Turks just about punched him in the face at the RNC for accusing Bill Clinton of rape. I love the way his eyes bug out when he get’s upset. I love the tabloid spectacle of the whole thing.